if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i wish my penis had a tongue
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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