I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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