as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
