you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize