i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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