Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
