Pappa wants mamma naked
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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