eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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