I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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