You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize