What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
