Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I look better un-naked...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
