Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
