every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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