How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
