Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
