Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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