Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
