'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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