i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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