do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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