We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
