hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
God, I missed his penis.
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