the condom got lost in my hair
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
