Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
