Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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