I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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