I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
