So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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