I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
