Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I deserve this hangover.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
jump out the window naked night went bad
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize