woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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