i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
