apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My ass is underappreciated
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
