My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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