I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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