im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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