You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She told me I should be a condom model.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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