I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
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