Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
