Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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