Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
