bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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