FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
