she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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