Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Randomize
