Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
