I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
3pm strippers are depressing
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize