eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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