Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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