I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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