My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
