If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
