So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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