Just took my morning after pill in the library
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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