So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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