i already hear my dad disowning me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize