Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
